Wheeee, I'm crashing again 🫠😵

Emma Austin

Sep 07, 2025

Hi!

I’ve been a little quiet lately - sorry about that.

But I’ve also had kind of a breakthrough. So I think things will be better from now on.

Yes, I’ve told myself that before. And yes, my life is still a complete mess.

Still, I choose to believe I’ve found one more piece to my puzzle - and it’s a big one.

Okay, so here’s what happened.

If you’re just tuning in for the first time - hi, my name is Emma and I’m a chronically ill girl with some pretty serious fatigue issues.

And that means I’ve got to live pretty low-key.

If I push my body too hard, I’ll be in bed for a week or two. I get mentally exhausted if I’ve got a lot on my plate. Too much excitement and I might fuck up my brain for a good little while.

Lately, that’s where I’ve been. Smack dab in a crash that I did my darned best to avoid.

I was trying to take it easy, but whoops - I kept guilting myself into doing more than I should.

I also decided to try a new hair color. But that one dye job turned into several emergency color sessions to try to fix the results - which might not sound like much, but it totally depleted my energy and left me feeling like a fish that’s been washed ashore.

That was enough for me. But then my mom texted that she’d be coming to town in a couple of weeks, so I’ve been stressed out about how much cleaning needs to be done before she shows up.

That and a few other little things was all it took to do me in.

So I’ve been down for the count. Sitting in bed all day, trying to find ways to have some fun without actually doing anything, and rewatching The Handmaid’s Tale.

Being in recovery mode sucks. But there’s actually a tiny little sliver of a silver lining here.

Okay, so one thing I didn’t mention is my attitude when I’m in a crash.

I’m tired, I’m exhausted, but it’s not just that.

I’m also kind of unpleasant.

Just mad at everything. Like I’ll see a TikTok by someone who seems happy and I’ll get pissed about it. How dare they enjoy their lives when I can’t even get my hair to look right?

I get the urge to quit everything - no more blog, no more podcast, no more anything. I want to pack it all up and fuck off to the woods, even though I’d probably find reasons to hate it there too.

And I barely have a single slutty thought - even though I love my slutty thoughts.

I start acting like a hermit with clinical depression, basically.

And that’s the first realization I’ve had - that the depression is just fatigue wearing a different pair of pants.

I always figured the emotional downturn was just me reacting to my circumstances. I got all gloomy and pessimistic because I was forced to face the fact that I’m kind of a fuckup. Not through any fault of my own, but as an add-on to the chronic illness.

Because I’d try to do something really simple like record a podcast or go for a long walk. And because I tried to do both on the same day, I put myself in mental and emotional traction.

So I’d kick myself for being so limited. Then it would spiral into feelings about how it’s all pointless and I should just hide under my duvet for the rest of my life.

Which I thought was just me facing the facts about my fatigue.

But nah, it’s kind of the other way around.

I think those emotional states are part of the crash itself.

It feels mental, but it’s basically another physical symptom of the fatigue.

Because when I recover and get back on my feet, I never hold onto the gloom. The bitchy little raincloud that follows me around when I’ve worn myself out evaporates as soon as my energy levels are back to my baseline.

So now when everything seems hopeless and I feel worthless, I just have to remind myself that it’s not true. It’s just the crash doing its thing.

But more importantly, I have to do what I can to stay out of a damn crash to begin with.

Sometimes, I can’t help it. Like those back-to-back dye jobs were unplanned, and they really fucked me up.

Though I’ve come to realization about that too.

I crash because I try to do too much - physically and mentally. And it keeps happening because I want to do all sorts of stuff, and I refuse to accept that I can’t.

But being in a crash sucks worse than doing less - way worse.

So I’m going to try to live my life at 50% capacity.

Whatever I want to do or think I should be able to do, I’ll only do about half of it.

Which isn’t ideal and still means I probably can’t record a podcast and - well, and do anything else for the rest of the day. But being in a crash feels like I’m living at -500%, so keeping a steady 50% isn’t so bad by comparison.

And I probably won’t be able to do it while my mom’s visiting. That’s probably going to send me right back under the raincloud.

But once she leaves the province and goes back home, it’s back to 50% mode for me.

I’m probably going to be my own worst enemy with this. I’m going to be tempted to bump my limit up to 80% instead. Or to have a 150% day and promise myself I’ll make up for it with a 10% day right after.

And I’ll probably learn the hard way that I shouldn’t do that.

I also have to plan out my weeks carefully so I can get some stuff done.

Like set aside a day where I can masturbate and play with sex toys. A day when I can record a podcast episode. A day when go out and run a few errands. A day when I take photos, and then a separate day when I edit them. As long as I don’t do more than one thing per day and give myself some days off when I need them, I might just be able to handle a few basic responsibilities.

Which just is what it is. Because having a fatigue disorder really is like that. It means I can’t jill off and pick up groceries on the same day or else my body will bitchslap me for it.

But that’s just the hand I’ve been dealt. And if I can get the balance right and avoid crashing too often, I can at least be a happy hermit instead of a gloomy one.

Love,
Emma ❤

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Spending a lot of time recovering is a great excuse to watch my favorite flirty and horny TV shows!

Something fun I think you’d love! 😏

If you want to get yourself a little something fun, here’s a company I love supporting!

As a fatigued girly, I also like to spend a lot of time in the bath.

And I’ve been enjoying that even more since I got the Dive!

It’s a fully waterproof wand vibrator that works amazingly well in the bath or on dry land - just fantastic, powerful, and incredibly easy to hold and handle.

If you like getting off in the tub, I highly recommend getting your hands on this one!

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