And the award for the Biggest Sex Dud goes to... 🥁👎
Hi!
I hate feeling like I’ve wasted my time. And I absolutely hate feeling like I’ve wasted money.
So, I’m really selective about things I try.
I’ll read lots of reviews before entering a single digit of my credit card number.
I try to think things through and not be too impulsive. Which is good, because I’m prone to wanting things just because they’re adorable.
And for the most part, I only review things I think I’ll be into. Because my goal is to help people find sex toys and porn they’ll love, not just go around bashing things.
But no matter how hard I try to avoid them, a dud is bound to slip through every once in a while.
There was the Yum Bum buttplug. I really wanted to try it because it’s shaped like an ice cream cone with pink soft serve. It looks all soft and melty, which makes it incredibly appealing.
But it’s hella rigid, which makes it feel like you’re trying to bang your butt with something you built out of Legos.
The Masturball was just weird. Though to be fair, I got it because it was odd and interesting - not because I thought it would give pocket pussies a run for their money.
It doesn’t just look weird, though. It’s also bulky and awkward. Imagine trying to stroke a dick with a basketball and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what it’s like.
I’m pretty sure it’s discontinued, and I can’t say I’m surprised.
I don’t know if the Balldo belongs on this list, because it does work as advertised. It’s a dildo that straps to the balls so you can fuck with them.
Which is a neat little contraption. It’s just very much not for me.
I’m not into balls that much - not enough to get turned on by the thought of getting fucked by them. It’s also really girthy, so kind of challenging for me - especially since you have to adjust all your usual positions to get the angle right.
It’s gotta be awesome for all the ball fetishists out there. And if a guy can somehow manage to turn himself into a one-man double penetration machine by strapping his sack with this thing, that’d be pretty cool too. I’m not entirely sure if it’s logistically possible, but I want to believe it is.
So, a good toy. Just not my ideal way to cap off a Saturday a night.
But if there’s one sex dud on my mind right now, it’s not a sex toy. It’s not some bondage gear that was too extreme for my liking. It’s not a porn scene that was too rough and awkward.
It’s my ceiling mirrors.
Or I should say, my former ceiling mirrors.
I stuck them up above my bed for all the reasons you’d put a mirror above your bed.
I could take lazy nudes.
I could see myself getting fucked from a new angle.
I could watch my pussy getting rubbed or buzzed while playing with sex toys - which can make every sensation feel even more intense.
It was great in theory. But I never got much use out of it.
They were kind of a pain to put up. I got a set of small little plastic mirrors because I’m way too anxious to have glass hanging above me - I’d have constant daymares about it shattering in my sleep. So they had to be carefully lined up and stuck into place.
And not long after they went up, we decided to move. So, they had to come down.
They didn’t come off easy. And the stickers left lots of thick, stubborn residue that I had to make Mr. Austin scrape off the ceiling over the course of multiple evenings.
I didn’t actually have to do that part, but I still felt bad watching him scrape and scrub for so long.
So, that’s the biggest sex dud I’ve had to deal with lately. My ceiling mirrors that were supposed to be sleazy and fun but just ended up being a worse pain in the butt than the Yum Bum.
Oh well. Lesson learned. From now on if I want to fuck like I’m in a softcore porno, I’ll have sex in front of a mirror, not underneath one.
Love,
Emma ❤
This Week’s New Articles
The Balldo might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but these old fashioned moves are sure to please just about any woman.
Something fun I think you’d love! 😏
If you want to get yourself a little something fun, here’s a company I love supporting!
If you want to take your stroking game to the next level, you’ve gotta try the Gush!
It’s a vibrator designed specifically to wrap around a dick and stimulate it from every direction at once. And it’s incredibly easy to clean and dry, which is super convenient!
If you want to try it for yourself, get it from the Lovense store and give your cock all the pleasure it deserves!
Those are all affiliate links, by the way. If you click them and make a purchase (or use one of my discount codes), I earn a small commission on the sale and you’ll be supporting my work.
What’s your sexual star sign? 🐐
Can a Scorpio and a Capricorn truly be happy together?
Well, we're going to find out. This week, we're checking out our sexual horoscopes!
Also: zodiac fetishes, astrological compatibility, and making sure Jake doesn't die shoveling the driveway!
Check out the show notes for relevant links. And if you love the show, don’t forget to rate and review it on Apple Podcasts! 🖤
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